Do You Hear Anything?

When I talk to God, it is usually about how I am feeling in regards to what is going on. In regards to why things aren’t going the way I need them to move, to stay. He doesn’t talk to me directly. There are just whispers of verses I remember reading as a child and sayings from various pastors and people. The Bible is a good book. Years ago a girl named Sarah had invited one of her friends to church. I recall her saying the friend enjoyed reading the Bible because it contained good stories. It’s full of good writing. It is. The Bible is literal poetry, true literature. As modern Christians, we have the desire to constantly apply the Bible to our lives. We are asking, “How does this apply to me?” “God, show me what I need to know, tell me what I need to hear.” I figured out the Bible was mostly, only about other groups of people recently. Not us. In church we aren’t taught the actual truth behind the Old Testament. We aren’t properly taught the intent of the New Testament. I don’t know anything and I’ve been a Christian for as long as I can remember. I remember wanting to be baptized, and I remember the multiple times I have asked Jesus to come into my life. Most of this was based on tradition, the way things transitioned. Fear of not going to heaven. Fear of a loving, powerful God. Fear. I am highly dependent on a being I can’t see, but I can comprehend His presence. I don’t even know Him, but I can comprehend His presence. It is only evident because I believe it to be. And when I tell Him that nothing makes sense, He doesn’t make any sense, the answer stems from what my dad says: “He doesn’t have to make sense.” The end. I don’t feel special because I am a Christian. I don’t feel any different. Maybe a bit more guilty. There’s a level of pressure from every side. There are too many ideas and too many expectations. There are a lot of misconceptions, lies, and false hopes. I pray to God and I can’t see Him, I can’t hear Him, and I sure don’t bother trying to listen as often as I should. When I try, there’s nothing. What am I doing wrong, or what am I even expecting.

-Mae

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